There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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