So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
