I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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