I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
