The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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