dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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