Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
