Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
