hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
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the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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