if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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