seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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