He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
