I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
