"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
