She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
