I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
