I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
