i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
