I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Randomize
