I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
