Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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