my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
