i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
we should paint friendship bongs
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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