U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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