everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
