I want to have your abortion
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
