I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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