I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
