Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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