Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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