I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
