I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
