he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
FUCK WHALES
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