You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
