My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
