I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
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On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
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I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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