wrigley field is MILF paradise
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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