i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
