I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
