I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
