Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
