I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
