why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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