i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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