btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
