A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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