I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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