i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
