i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
