Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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