there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
