i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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