i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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