You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
