Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
