i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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