I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
