i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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