Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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